Imagine a place where you are forced, forced I say, to share close proximity, for three weeks, with a bunch of athletes. Media-trained, weight-room-sculpted, mega-flexible athletes who have spent four years preparing for the moment when they miss out on a medal by just this much. The Olympic athlete village is that place and it’s no secret that promiscuity is rampant within those walls. Sounds like fun, but did you think about what that will lead to down the road? Two Olympic athletes producing an offspring can only mean one thing: a superbaby.
Superbabies will be among the finest humans ever created. They will be able to run faster, jump higher and futurespin all four ways. When they come out of the womb, agents will be lingering in the waiting room, ready to toss checks and sticker packs their way. The mother will walk out of the hospital pushing a Kellogg’s branded stroller with Fruit Loops for wheels. The baby will be swaddled in a onesie from The North Face and placed in a custom Toyota 4-Runner covered in a Coca-Cola wrap, its trunk full of star-spangled Pampers. Once again, all well and good for them, but what’s in it for us?
What the general public should look forward to is a 44-percent increase in entertainment value when these superbabies hit the competitive ski circuit. The aforementioned cereal stroller should roll out of the hospital around November of 2014, and you can expect on-snow training to start in less than two years, with strength building exercises soon after. Any given superbaby will likely be a local celebrity by the age of 6, when he or she starts boosting X Games-worthy airs out of the halfpipe and throwing tricks we haven’t even invented yet, over flaming gaps.
By 2024 these superbabies will be traveling superathletes, dominating the competition in every way possible. By the time they reach 16 years of age, with a minimum of 14 years training to fortify their born-on-second-base genetics, a spot in the 2030 Olympic Winter Games will be all-but guaranteed. In Antarctica, where those 2030 games will be held on the last bit of earthly natural snow, qualification will be virtually impossible for the less gifted. As those Olympic athletes will also pass their downtime at the bottom of the world in a similar fashion to their parents, only one thing will be certain: Extra-double superbabies. Look for them in 2046.
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