Just one day after Vail Resorts announced its intention to purchase Whistler Blackcomb for $1.1 billion, a gondola has been completed that connects Vail, Colorado with Whistler, British Columbia, including a mid-stop at Park City Mountain Resort (PCMR) in Utah.
Spanning 1,135 miles across the Western U.S. and crossing over the Canadian border, the “Global Domination” gondola is a true engineering marvel offering skiers the travel opportunity of a lifetime: a chance to explore three world-renowned ski areas without having to step foot in a car, or on an airplane. It’s all part of Vail Resorts’ play to make skiing more accessible to the masses.
“Wow,” said E. Normous Stock, a representative of Vail Resorts. “It’s truly amazing to see what a little elbow grease and a drive for success can do within just a matter of hours. Last week, we were just a little management company that owned 13 ski resorts around the world. Now, we’ve got the biggest resort in North America and the biggest gondy in the world. Shout out to the construction crew for building this thing at such short notice.”
The original plans for the gondola entailed what Stock calls a “lil'” route from Vail to Whistler, but he says adding a mid-stop at PCMR just seemed right. “We’ve got 7,300 acres at PCMR, the largest acreage for a ski resort in the United States; 8,171 at Whistler Blackcomb, the most for a ski resort in North America; and 5,289 acres at Vail. Mix those all together via one easy gondola ride and you’ve got world domination,” Stock said with a serious chuckle. “The Peak 2 Peak gondy at Whistler looks like child’s play now.”
Perhaps the most remarkable aspect of the Global Domination gondola is its speed, a reflection of Vail Resorts’ fast-moving progress in its quest to own every ski resort on Earth. When running at its maximum, it can carry passengers at 1,135 miles per hour, getting folks from point to point in exactly one hour.
“Oh yeah, that’s pretty sweet, too,” said Stock. “Feels great to nearly double the speed of sound at ground level, even though we weren’t really trying. And to all the Epic Pass holders out there, keep in mind that you’ll earn a bonus points on your EpicMix app if you hit over 1,000 MPH on the gondy.”
Of course, there are travel-related logistics involved, and Stock says Vail Resorts “breezed through most.” To take care of international border crossing concerns, in particular, Vail Resorts hired its own border patrol teams at each gondola station following great conversations with U.S. and Canadian governments.
“Yeah, we just gave Obama and Trudeau Epic Passes for life and they kind of shut up about it,” Stock said.
Before hopping on a spaceship to Mars for his next project, Stock left us with these words of wisdom: “You’ll all be Epic skiers soon. It’s only a matter of time.”
Disclaimer: To those who are rendering the above as true: This is a satirical piece, not to be taken seriously. E. Normous Stock is not a real person, and Vail Resorts has not built a 1,135-mile gondola. For the real news on the Vail Resorts x Whistler Blackcomb merger, click here.