John Symms, connoisseur of fine American luxuries, moonlighting world economist, concerned tourist, and extreme blogger, has taken 44 days out of his busy schedule to do a text interview that normally takes three days. Witness the genius and majesty that is John Symms, via blackberry.
Freeskier: You agreed 2 do a text interview over Instant Messenger, how do you feel about the change in communication medium?
John Symms: It is kind of pointless. We are on IM right now and that would be faster and less of a pain in the ass. But then it wouldn’t be a “texting” interview, I guess.
FS: That’s true. What’s new in the world of John Symms?
JS: I just bought a new TV. I heard that TVs and SUVs are the 2 greatest symbols of success. I had a horrible year, and I already have a SUV. So a TV seemed like the best way 2 jump start my life.
FS: We all need some consumer medication sometimes. I wouldn’t say you had a horrible year. The American dollar had a horrible year…
JS: Yeah, the dollar dropped about 8-percent against the Japanese yen. The Japanese CPI held at somewhat steady during that drop. So my trip to Japan was roughly 8.69-percent more expensive than last year’s trip.
FS: That translates 2 8.69-percent less sake, sushi and karaoke rental. How does that make you feel?
JS: Actually it is just 8-percent less. It was a bummer. But I just cut back on the food to help make ends meet in the sake category.
FS: You won’t need much food there. At least you weren’t in Europe or you’d have to sell the SUV to afford to fly there. And glad to see you’re up on world economics.
A day passes
FS: I’m reading your blog on expn.com. Should I give you a shameless plug in this interview?
FS: Word on the street is that your expn.com blog is blowing up. How’d that job come about?
Two days pass…
JS: It all started years ago when I did a little bit of writing for the late, great Freeze Magazine. I impressed Micah Abrams with my ability to make cool things seem lame and I exasperated him with my overused ability to consult a thesaurus. Lucky for me, when expn launched it’s program of insider extreme sports blogs, Micah was one of the guys in charge. He called me up and suggested that I apply. I was reluctant at first, but then I saw that the bloggers got Macs. It was a golden opportunity to fit in with all my extreme sports friends. They always make fun of me for having an inferior computer. The job gets tough in the summer when I have 2 scrape for shit to write about. But all in all, it’s all good.
FS: So you’re an even bigger ski celebrity now? And how does that affect you with the ladies?
Five days pass…
JS: I don’t know about “ski celebrity,” but celebrity or not, johnsymms.com is the only thing I’ve done that has really affected my odds with womyn.
FS: Affected positively or negatively?
JS: Negatively. Some girls are very sensitive about skiing. But the girls who know they can ski saw it for the joke it as and didn’t get all insecurr’ and shit.
FS: Making fans the world over. Any future plans for web domination? Or are you just going 2 hustle the streets?
Six days pass…
JS: Plans for web domination? I guess that all people have aspirations like that to some degree. And I, 2, have that little ambitious voice in my head. However, for the time being, at least I am going 2 just stay on my grind and see what happens.
FS: No plans to be a father like other former Utah residents is there?
JS: No way, brah. I keeps it real hood. But fatherhood is not a hood I chill in.
FS: Good answer. Plans for the summer? Big in Hood? Big in Whis? Big in Chile?
15 days pass…
JS: Plans for the summer? Ima work on my tan at Windells for most of July. As for southern hemi, I would like 2 go somewhere latin.
FS: You were incognito for a while, where you been? Traveling the world in the name of expn.com?
JS: Oh sorry mayn, I’m not good at texting. We should just do this interview over the phone and then pretend it’s over txt by replacing all the “tos” with “2s.”
FS: That’s a good idea. I heard you were in Portland, does that mean you’ve signed with Nike 6.0?
JS: No. I’m here 2 write blog posts about free nikes for expn. I am also fixin’ 2 ski on Mount Hood’s famous Palmer snowfield.
FS: Ok, it’s time 2 draw this interview to a close. Any words of wisdom to impart?
JS: Words of wisdom: Tight pants are hot right now but if you want 2 be on the cutting edge of fashion, you need feather danglers and dreamcatchers 2. And remember 2 afterbang. The most important part of the trick happens between the knuckle and the landing.